Goodbye, Blog.

The world didn't end yesterday, as predicted and widely publicized by the media idiots (a term analogous to "village idiot"). And I'm ending this blog. There's so much crap going on in my life, making an online diary about it isn't going to ease my pain. Plus somebody might trace it back to my IP address and figure out that it's me writing this, whoever I am. Plus my life is too uninteresting to blog about, unless I graphically describe the steamy parts. So I'm doing the blogging community (if there is such a thing) a favor and shutting this one down.

To end this more gracefully, here is a poem that appeals to me, more than any poem I've read so far.





Through the Realms
by Carlo Sia 
Tuesday, May 17, 2011 at 5:47pm

The rush in my veins will not be enough,
It beats through my heart that’s full of vengeance;
sending me riddles and mysterious laughs.
I’m into the trance – I hope you will dance.

Oh monarchs and pope give him back his hope,
for he is confused and probably lost.
A sinner like me can’t define or probe --
his sexuality that bothers me most!

I feel the guilt, yes! Look into my eyes,
but don’t threaten me! Never curse my faith!
For I will send you the oceans and skies
and wrap you with the shadows of a wraith.

Hide! For this strife will thunder through the years
--and forever you will run from my spears.


Impulsive behavior has always been at the heart of my problems.

It can be useful sometimes, specially when I'm creating something. I often produce my best work when I'm inspired and uninhibited (and therefore able to act on impulse). It also comes in handy when I'm in a position where I need to intimidate somebody to get my way.

But then there is this other, negative kind of impulsiveness that sometimes grips me, and drags me around. When I'm like this, I'm often not very productive. Sometimes I can hold it in, I just mope and sulk, or I try to lock myself up and hide until it's over and I'm ok. Sometimes my whole brain just acts like it's on auto-pilot, and I get highly emotional and I can't really behave in a way that lets me co-exist peacefully with the people around me. My mom used to call these tantrums.

I googled impulsive behavior, and found a lot of material on ADHD. I think I have it. It's not just my impulsiveness, it's about everything that's wrong with my life.

I'm actually afraid that if I blog about that (everything that's wrong with me) and then I try to apply for a job and they find out, they might not hire me. And no, I wasn't referring to paranoia (I am paranoid, but I like it that way).

Seriously, I've been thinking for some time now, I could use some real professional help. I should also start another blog, documenting that so I can show my doctor, and other more blogworthy topics so as not to bore off any potential readers. Like, I have interests, too. And I should also end this one, right now.

(Ok, goodbye blog, It was nice making you.)