The world didn't end yesterday, as predicted and widely publicized by the media idiots (a term analogous to "village idiot"). And I'm ending this blog. There's so much crap going on in my life, making an online diary about it isn't going to ease my pain. Plus somebody might trace it back to my IP address and figure out that it's me writing this, whoever I am. Plus my life is too uninteresting to blog about, unless I graphically describe the steamy parts. So I'm doing the blogging community (if there is such a thing) a favor and shutting this one down.
To end this more gracefully, here is a poem that appeals to me, more than any poem I've read so far.
Through the Realms
by Carlo Sia
Tuesday, May 17, 2011 at 5:47pm
The rush in my veins will not be enough,
It beats through my heart that’s full of vengeance;
sending me riddles and mysterious laughs.
I’m into the trance – I hope you will dance.
Oh monarchs and pope give him back his hope,
for he is confused and probably lost.
A sinner like me can’t define or probe --
his sexuality that bothers me most!
I feel the guilt, yes! Look into my eyes,
but don’t threaten me! Never curse my faith!
For I will send you the oceans and skies
and wrap you with the shadows of a wraith.
Hide! For this strife will thunder through the years
--and forever you will run from my spears.
Impulsive behavior has always been at the heart of my problems.
It can be useful sometimes, specially when I'm creating something. I often produce my best work when I'm inspired and uninhibited (and therefore able to act on impulse). It also comes in handy when I'm in a position where I need to intimidate somebody to get my way.
But then there is this other, negative kind of impulsiveness that sometimes grips me, and drags me around. When I'm like this, I'm often not very productive. Sometimes I can hold it in, I just mope and sulk, or I try to lock myself up and hide until it's over and I'm ok. Sometimes my whole brain just acts like it's on auto-pilot, and I get highly emotional and I can't really behave in a way that lets me co-exist peacefully with the people around me. My mom used to call these tantrums.
I googled impulsive behavior, and found a lot of material on ADHD. I think I have it. It's not just my impulsiveness, it's about everything that's wrong with my life.
I'm actually afraid that if I blog about that (everything that's wrong with me) and then I try to apply for a job and they find out, they might not hire me. And no, I wasn't referring to paranoia (I am paranoid, but I like it that way).
Seriously, I've been thinking for some time now, I could use some real professional help. I should also start another blog, documenting that so I can show my doctor, and other more blogworthy topics so as not to bore off any potential readers. Like, I have interests, too. And I should also end this one, right now.
(Ok, goodbye blog, It was nice making you.)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Something totally dumb happened today. I just got caught chatting on chatroulette.
And what's wrong with chatting? My boyfriend doesn't like the idea of me doing it. He is totally justified there.
Who was I chatting with? Some English bloke who looks like a cross between Colin Firth and Hugh Grant.
And why did I get caught? I guess that's how it is when you don't do it very often. You don't really know how to hide something until you actually have something to hide.
Finally, why was I chatting instead of doing something else? I just thought it would be nice to hear (or read) that I look good, once in a while. It's pretty pathetic, I know. Being somebody who gets compliments only when she is on a webcam.
It's not that I'm ugly, it's just that I'm not that pretty either.
And what's wrong with chatting? My boyfriend doesn't like the idea of me doing it. He is totally justified there.
Who was I chatting with? Some English bloke who looks like a cross between Colin Firth and Hugh Grant.
And why did I get caught? I guess that's how it is when you don't do it very often. You don't really know how to hide something until you actually have something to hide.
Finally, why was I chatting instead of doing something else? I just thought it would be nice to hear (or read) that I look good, once in a while. It's pretty pathetic, I know. Being somebody who gets compliments only when she is on a webcam.
It's not that I'm ugly, it's just that I'm not that pretty either.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Except that I'm really not that hot.
My status message:(insert pet name here)! of COURSE u r.like duh. :p
Comment 2: You are beautiful!
(like, like)
My comment in response to them: That's what I'm talking about!
Except that I'm really not that hot. In the socio-cultural sense of the word. Attractiveness, as defined by the society I belong to. I mean, some say I'm cute, some say they like my style, but nobody outside my closest circle of friends has told me I'm beautiful. I've been called beautiful by a lot of strangers from other cultures, and I'm guessing it has a lot to do with my youthful appearance plus the fact that they don't often see people with features like mine. In other words, youth and novelty make me beautiful.
I'm not young at all.
Another way of putting it is, I feel like I'm Bridget Jones. And a PHONY, for posting something that I'm hoping people will respond to in order to boost my self-esteem.
So I delete my comment, then I unlike the other comments.
Then I delete the post altogether.
Then I change my password.
Then I deactivate my account.
My reason : The more I use facebook, the more alienated I feel.
Facebook is a social networking site. I'm just not sociable. I can't blame my hormones or my crappy attitude or my appearance or my unhappiness for that, it's just not true, since all these can coexist with being sociable. I just want to not have a facebook account anymore.
Though I just might make a new, fake account for the sole purpose of causing trouble. (Insert high-pitched witch cackle here)
Comment 2: You are beautiful!
(like, like)
My comment in response to them: That's what I'm talking about!
Except that I'm really not that hot. In the socio-cultural sense of the word. Attractiveness, as defined by the society I belong to. I mean, some say I'm cute, some say they like my style, but nobody outside my closest circle of friends has told me I'm beautiful. I've been called beautiful by a lot of strangers from other cultures, and I'm guessing it has a lot to do with my youthful appearance plus the fact that they don't often see people with features like mine. In other words, youth and novelty make me beautiful.
I'm not young at all.
Another way of putting it is, I feel like I'm Bridget Jones. And a PHONY, for posting something that I'm hoping people will respond to in order to boost my self-esteem.
So I delete my comment, then I unlike the other comments.
Then I delete the post altogether.
Then I change my password.
Then I deactivate my account.
My reason : The more I use facebook, the more alienated I feel.
Facebook is a social networking site. I'm just not sociable. I can't blame my hormones or my crappy attitude or my appearance or my unhappiness for that, it's just not true, since all these can coexist with being sociable. I just want to not have a facebook account anymore.
Though I just might make a new, fake account for the sole purpose of causing trouble. (Insert high-pitched witch cackle here)
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